Life is...

Decisions are the hardest thing to make. How do I look at life? To me, it is a one-way path which all of us has to walk. It would really help if it were two-way, sigh. It is not just a straight smooth road (I wish), but also one that is filled with junctions and potholes. Certain paths we breeze through effortlessly while there are those where we have to slow down to tread carefully.

However, smooth or rough, the toughest roads are those with junctions. Roads which branches out in front of you leading to 2, 3 or even more possibilities on how you want to live your life. The worst thing is each branch offers something very different from the other and one can’t predict the outcome of one’s decision, one can only speculate. A choice made now will affect all things to come.

Right now, I feel as if I am facing two roads in front of me, and I am stumped! As if I am facing a roadblock. It is a quiet road and I don’t see anyone around who can help me to make up my mind, but myself. I hate this! I hate it that I have to make such a major decision after I have just emerged from a previous junction. I had to choose between different careers before and I thought that was hard. Well, obviously I did not know what was going to hit me later. This! I have been walking around with a headache these few days.

I have been working for one and a half months now. And I don’t think that is long enough to be considered working experience. So far work is all right and I am starting to get the hang of things. Working environment is good, because everyone there is so friendly and helpful. Just as I am starting to get comfortable with my working life, I have suddenly come across a junction.

Comfort however, is not my main concern. I guess the main problem is I thought that I have finally gained financial freedom after being a money-sucking-parasite to my parents for so long, That I can now finally support myself and let them enjoy their money as they like, without worrying about me. When I applied for this scholarship, I did not know that it was only partial. Truthfully, if I knew then, I would not have applied for it. I despise myself that I have to trouble my parents further. How am I ever going to repay them?

What if I can’t find a job when I return to Malaysia? Then I won’t be able to pay them back their money and they will have to support me(again) during my unemployed days. Sigh…
Of course there are good points if I decide to go. But I will miss home so very much. I did not realize how much I would miss my family until it dawned on me that I may not be seeing them for a whole year. Imagine, I will be leaving behind the people who love me the most in this entire world. It is true ya, that no one will love you more than your family. That during one’s time of need and doubt, one’s parents are always there. Being strong just for your sake even though they may be aching inside.
If I do decide to go, I have many many stuff to do. I don’t know where to begin. Intimidating! I might be going to a foreign country by myself, eeks.. when I have not even been to a different state in Malaysia alone. And it will be cold in Newcastle during September..brrr

This is hard. I can’t believe that so many changes could happen to a person within just a few months.
Life is full of decisions and life is absolutely….UNPREDICTABLE