After such a long hiatus.....a letter from my heart that you will never read

I'm still here in Newcastle. Why, i've no idea...Am i too afraid to move on? Am i too lazy to move my ass and start looking for a proper job? Or is it that my heart wants to linger here a little longer, just a while more...

Oh god, why is it that the right thing to do is always the hardest. How can i throw away a 4 year relationship, just like that..it's gone. Taken away from my side is the sweetest guy, someone who i can confide in, who will do anything for simply just me. I'm crazy to give it all up!! And for what.....i don't know yet...

And i don't think that i can find someone who would love me like you did. I hope that you find the happiness you so deserve, a happiness that i could not give you in the end, after your long wait. I know that the girl who you shall fall in love next, will be the luckiest girl in the world to have you. I was, and it was simply awesome!!!

My baby, i gave you up, i gave us up.....but i hope that you will never give up in finding your one true soul mate. And i will always always love you, and a part of my heart will always be yours.....i guess it's goodbye for now

Thank you....

Thank you,

For making me.............FEEL,
Joy!
Happiness....
Excitement!
How to care for others,
That it's not just Me! Me! me!

It just had to end,
It's the right thing to do,
Although it hurts,
So much more than i had prepared for,
Why?

But...
This has to happen,
Every moment i cherish,
Now just a memory,
As if it was a dream,
As if nothing happened...

If i had known it had to end,
I would have lived in the moment,
Would have lived for the moment,
Would have let myself,
Fall for you,
Which i think i have anyway..

You have kept me going,
But now i have to sail solo,
Once again....
But i will get better,
And i will move on,
And so will you,
And a part of you will always be in my heart,
A part i want to hold on to,
But for now,
I have to let you go,

Will you remember too??

Swimming, drowning and balls....might offend some

Swimming, drowning and balls....might offend some

Pool in Newcastle

Water woggle

Pool + water woggle = Fun. Pool - water woggle = disaster

For more information, read post below:

I can swim......with a water woggle.

I have been taking swimming lessons, for SOME time now, and i am still very much attached to my woggle. It has become a part of me when i'm in the pool. It's my best friend in the pool, with it, i can do the breast stroke (the only technique i know actually). With it, i can finally experience the joy of (almost) swimming. Without it, i sink ungracefully like a canon ball...

In an effort to wean myself off this sacred woggle, i went to the pool today. No woggles or float this time. After an extremely long time attempting to swim, i decided to go for it. No more staying at the edge of the pool. Let instinct takes its course..instead of trying to swim to the edge of the pool which i can grab hold of, i swam from the edge of the pool.

And i sank...nearly drowned, seriously. I now know how it feels like to drown, i panicked big time. It's so unreal now, but it was extremely frightening then. I could have just stood up, the pool was shallow, but somehow my legs could not find the bottom of the pool, i could not feel a surface underneath me. There was nothing i could stand on, although in reality there was. What else can i do, i panicked..i'm going to die here. My head went blank, i just wanted air, i wanted to scream help! but my head could not break through the surface of the water. I was swallowing and breathing water into my lungs, i could not open my eyes, my mouth. There was no more logic, I was praying for the life guard, where was he?? I need HELP, i'm drowning...will some one please save me..

I need to grab hold of anything. And then there it was, my hand did grab hold of something, the lifeguard is finally here and i'm safe, i'm holding on to his hand. My head broke through the water and i took a very precious breath of air and looked at my saviour. It was not the life guard, it was an ordinary swimmer resting at the other edge of the pool, and it was not his hand i was holding....it was his swimming trunks.

And god knows what i was clinging on for that few seconds before. Why do these things always happen to me??

At least i'm still alive, and i'm still determined to learn how to swim. No more balls though, please.

More tomorrow

The exact same time as now, yesterday, i was still in the hospital. 10.43pm. Royal Victoria Infirmary, Claremont Wing, Ward 20, Cubicle 2. My home for the past 5 days. 5 agonizing, lonely, days full of fear and doubt. Buy at the same time, days filled with sincere gratitute and touched by the doctors and nurses who attended to me around the clock. I am now sitting in my room at home, able to see with my eyes, because of them. How frightening and yet beautiful at the same time that our fate most of the time are in the hands of others. In my case, i am lucky, so so lucky i was watched by angels through out this ordeal.

This experience has made me more thoughtful than before ( as if i was not thoughtful enough!!). I wish that i never had to go through this, but at the same time, i come out of it as a slightly different person as i was before. And hopefully, i appreciate how beautiful and remarkable life is now...

Fountains Abbey and Studley Royal Park

Fountains Abbey

Fountains Abbey is a ruined monestary located in Yorkshire. The monestary itself is mighty impressive, and together with it's surrounding park, makes a great day out. It really was a big pity we could not spend more time there. Blame the shitty shuttle bus time table..

i want to travel again

Dear blog, so sorry for the dry spell in posts these couple of months (years??). It's not a joke when i say that time flies, like practically zooms past without slowing down one bit. Rewind six months back, and i was on holiday in Europe. I recently, more like finally got the pictures taken there.

How it brings back memories! I nearly forgot how much i love Budapest (and Vienna too of course) until i viewed the pictures...sigh..I should so go there again. But then, there are so many other wonderful places in Europe for me to discover. But somehow my heart is itching to zoom off to Barcelona next. Now all i need is to force someone to accompany me (muahahaha....)

Anyway, here are some of the pictures taken during the trip:

Starting point: London luton airport. Yes, i know it looks hot and i seem like an idiot for putting on such a thick coat, but believe me, it is cold.


Made it to Vienna in one piece!! This is the airport-city shuttle train


Enought of Vienna, i think it's time for the more beautiful place, Buda buda pest!!

Budapest is practically made up of the Buda area which is hilly and Pest which is flat and which houses the city center. Buda on the other hand is more picturesque.


here's Buda and Pest linked by the majestic chain bridge which lits up beautifully at night
one out of many of the bath houses in Budapest

A day in Tynemouth beach

The place i head off to when summer in England actually do feels like summer....

A sudden surge of emotion

What i am to do after i finish my studies?

I am torned between my wants and the expectations of those who loves me. It's not that i don't miss them, but i am not prepared to give up my new found independance....for now. I decide every aspect of my life when i am here. I am free to go whenever and whereever as my hearts desire. I answer to no one.

It scares me sometimes to think that i might lose all that when i return back to Malaysia. To be honest, there is not much to go back to except of course to the people who loves me and who i love a lot as well. But other than that, i'm not very sure why i should return back to a country which does not treat all of it's citizens equally. Why the discrimination?

Family is love. But sometimes too much love can feel suffocating. As i have mentioned, i feel torned...